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5 Secrets for Communicating with Teenagers
Does this problem? Your teenage son takes forever within the bathroom (again), but you need him to ready to get to work on time. You're considering, "How could I've raised this kind of inconsiderate kid? He's so disrespectful!" Meanwhile, your child is locked in the bathroom, consumed with his image within the mirror. He's thinking,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], "No way am I going to school with this pimple on my small nose." Outside within the hallway, you begin pounding about the door, yelling at him to rush up. He screams, "God, you simply do not understand! Leave me alone!" When he finally emerges, he gives you the silent treatment. Not only that, he's missed the bus, which means you need to drive him to college. You get late for work and completely overwhelmed, wondering, "Why doesn't my kid listen to me? Does he have to fight me on everything?"
You and your teen: two different worlds, two different perspectives-and a giant disconnect that may make communicating a real mystery. Like a therapist and also the mother of three teenagers myself, I know firsthand the more you push your kids, the more they get defensive and dig within their heels; they become reactive as explosiveness or closing. And they are thinking, "My parents don't have an idea, so what is the point of trying to describe myself? I'll just tune them out." Clamming up or exploding are both ways your teenagers make an effort to manage their stress and defend themselves. That's because distance and explosiveness are often the only real ways your teen understands how to communicate when things get intense-which of course only causes more conflict.
1. The key to opening your son or daughter's ears: Here is a simple secret that may help you in everything you do with your teen: No matter how hard it might be, try to start all interactions together with your child with understanding, even if you don't fully agree or even quite comprehend what they're referring to. Here's an example: Your teenage daughter is not doing her schoolwork, and instead is online with friends chatting. It drives you crazy because you're considering, "If she fails another test, her average will go down and she'll never enter college. What type of future will she have?" Your child, on the other hand is thinking, "I have to get online and talk to Skyler. As we don't constitute following the fight we'd within the hall today, all the other girls will be against me and I'll don't have any one to spend time with at school tomorrow." Again, two different worlds. Try to start by saying, "I know how difficult it's for you personally if you have a fight with one of your friends. I additionally realize that you need to pass this test tomorrow. Schoolwork is the job and it is your responsibility to get it done towards the best of your abilities. Let's take a seat and imagine a great way you can handle your time and effort tonight." Be sure not saying "I understand, but." which will simply disqualify what you've just said. Start from a place of understanding, and try to place yourself in your child's shoes first before telling her what needs to change. I have found that doing this tends to "open kids' ears." Instead of feeling like they need to defend themselves against you,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], they actually listen.
2. Go ahead and take emotionality from the equation. Emotion is your enemy when you are looking to get to your child. Remind yourself that what he admits that and does isn't a reflection on you. You may not like how he's behaving-or even how he's thinking-but keep your emotions from it, even if his behavior impacts you. I'm not saying this is an easy thing to do; it's difficult, but it is a skill you can learn just like any other. In fact, I tell parents to continue doing this slogan to themselves before talking to their kids: "This is like a company transaction; it's nothing personal." When you think about this, there's no reason to become mad at your child to be himself. He might be making an undesirable choice, but you, he may not yet possess the skill set to make a better one. So your job is to help guide him to better choices so he is able to in turn create a better expertise. When you realize what your work is as a parent or gaurdian, it can help you be less emotional. Whenever you feel frustrated, remember, do not take it personally. Tell yourself this is simply a problem to resolve, and part of "parenting business as usual."
3. Ask curious questions…not loaded questions. Ask your teen for his ideas and be collaborative. Allow him to see that you believe in him and that you're not mad at him for struggling in his life. Whenever you allow him to see that you have faith in the abilities and that he has got the space to work things on their own, you'll begin to develop true confidence in him. Don't ask loaded questions that put your son or daughter about the defensive like, "Why can't you receive on time? Wrong with you?" Instead, try opening a conversation with, "Eli, do you have any ideas for how you can find up on time?" If he admits that he doesn't know, provide a handful of your own and ask which one would work for him. Let your teen know that his troubles are his to solve. Don't take on his "box." Rather, you're there to help him figure out solutions-and to allow him deal with natural consequences of his behavior.
Your ultimate goal is to help your son or daughter think for himself,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], which will in turn help him feel like he's control button over his world. Listen openly as to the he says and get him to think critically about each choice. What will work and what will be problematic about each decision? What would function as the natural consequences of each choice-and how would he feel about dealing with that?
4. You shouldn't be needy; get up on your own two feet. Don't "need" your teen's cooperation,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], validation,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], or good behavior. Once you need something out of your child so that you can feel better, you have put yourself in a vulnerable position because he does not have allow it to you. When you need something and don't get it, you'll naturally try harder by controlling and manipulating more. As well as your teen will end up increasingly more defiant or passively compliant-neither which is nice.
The simple truth is,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you do not need other people to prop you up. You can validate yourself and solve your personal problems. So if your son or daughter is acting out, that's his problem. Your condition is to select how you'll choose to behave toward him. That's in your hands,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], not his. Ask yourself, "How will i wish to act, no matter how he's acting? What can I put up with and what can't I?" Take back your power and tell yourself, "If my child is screaming at me,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], rather than needing him to prevent, I'm able to turn around and walk away and not engage." Let him know you will not talk with him until he is able to approach you with civility. Here's the truth: whenever you aren't trying to get your child to alter or shape up, it is possible to think of better choices for yourself. And your child will be less defiant because he will have nobody to resist. When you are not attempting to control him and you are not reacting to him, he'll need to wrestle with himself instead of with you.
5. Don't do anything until you're both calm. Another rule of thumb is to avoid doing anything before you and your child have both calmed down. The truth is, it's not necessary to react to your son or daughter when you're upset, or when your child is upset and in that person. You simply don't. You are able to say nothing. You can have a couple of minutes or more if you want to. When emotions have evened out, you can take a seat and talk with him. It's rarely good to try and bring up a hard subject or resolve a conflict in the heat of the moment. Therefore if either you and your child is upset, pause and return when you are able address things in a calmer way.
Should you attempt a conversation with your child and he's rude or from line,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], that's when you have to hold on to yourself and ensure you do not get dragged into a fight. If your relationship with your child is such that it's impossible with an open,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], respectful conversation at this time over time, remember that it's still your work to stay firmly planted. Have a slogan that you simply tell yourself like, "I'm not going there no matter what." If you can do that consistently, over time the baiting and antagonism should relax. And don't feel badly if you achieve pulled back in occasionally-staying strong isn't easy. The good thing is that the more you won't engage, the simpler it'll get to stay relaxed.
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