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An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Remix
Let's Rethink the Holiday Party Remix Baker vs. Tree: A Yuletide Story Sexiest Man Alive: Marty Baker BakerMuse is back: Male Pattern Blindness Cavemen, chloroform and chocolates. Rethinking romance. Follicle Follies or Splitting Hairs. (Remix) A BakerMuse True Story Musical Hell. Loitering at the bottom of the musical food chain. Remix. A starter kit. The Pillsbury Dough Boy and Charlie the Tuna Intervention: A remix A needless survey of curmudgeons Restaurants to Avoid. A BakerMuse Remix Worst Album Covers Ever. A Remix. Finding the right guy. A guide for women remix. Further Misadventures in flight. A remix. Aging Disgracefully Remix Procrasticise! Remix An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Remix The BakerMuse Guide to Writing a Best Seller Why I am no longer a sugar daddy. Great hotels. Bad postcards. The Four Yorkshiremen Reprise Neighbors and other disappointments Das Snoot Turf Wars. A BakerMuse True Story. Testosterone. The early years. The Frigid Chronicles Part One Unsanitized for your protection. BakerMuse Anniversary Part 2 BakerMuse Celebrates 50th Anniversary Welcome to Stinky Town The Foxworthy Factor. The Jerky Boy BakerMuse Live from New York City: Viva la Revolution! BakerMuse Live From New York City The Upside of Downsizing Quibbles Part 4: The grunt, the yell and the floating gorilla A sociological study of the elderly or Geezer 101 Me and the Mighty Gavalon The Free LifeTime Movie Generator Why Lou Dobbs Loves Me I need a man purse and other confessions What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part 2 What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part I My Christmas List Revised Splitting Hairs Ugly is the New Beautiful Worst Album Covers Ever Part 2 Worst Album Covers Ever Part 1 Let's Rethink the Holiday Party Intervention: Charlie the Tuna, the TRIX rabbit and the Pillsbury Doughboy The Man Code. Decoded. Quibbles Part 3 Starring Orville Redenbacher Never let an egghead write your tag line. An expose. Cluttergate Fashion Mistakes. The Sequel. Songs from Musical Hell Please don't stare at my stag and other fashion mistakes A Jones for Java Part 2 Tong Envy and Aspects of Aspic Bourne Again,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the Movie Quibbles: Part 2 Clinical observations from the bottom of the musical instrument food chain Expose! My Coke Habit. Condemned Cuisine Nyuk. Nyuk. Why Men Love the Three Stooges: A Guide for Women Quibbles: Part One Procrasticise! Restaurants To Avoid -- A BakerMuse Culinary Guide An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Let's Bring Back the Fez The Angina Monologues Pardon Me While I Slip Into Something Less Comfortable. Finding the right guy. A guide for women. Aging Disgracefully SpongeBob: Now Smellable Bed Bath and Way Beyond Do it yourself surgery My Kryptonite,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the hot dog. Duck and Cover with Bert the Turtle A Jones for Java. My secret history with coffee commercials #1 Counting My Blessings and Other Mathematical Problems
2009, was the season of the flu. So while BakerMuse is on vacation,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I am adding 4% new material to a fan favorite -- an Afficiando's Guide to the Flu. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) is from the Greek-- roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." As a dedicated flu aficionado , I am to the flu what a sommelier is to wine. Many a Saturday night I have staggerd across my living room looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I can sense the subtle flavorings of each flu strain. Some have a hint of nausea with a whisper of migrane. For example, I can tell you the difference between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or the surprisingly vicious but short-lived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan has been a favorite host and subsequent victim of the flues since the great plague.
For my non-flu oriented friends, I have compiled a list of my favorite influenza strains and their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu has a mysterious ninja-type quality. One minute you're craving bizarre foods -- something like poached loin of Yak with a seaweed demi-glaze,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], then suddenly you're making love to the nearest commode. This flu turns your stomach into a massive Yak tsunami. Should you be in the clutches of this flu -- drag the nearest futon into your bathroom and place it next to the toilet. The HPG flu is what we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu is so vile, you will be throwing up food you had as a child -- like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst part of this flu is that once the spewing is over the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows there's nothing left to toss,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but feels compelled to repeat the act over and over again. I once found my entire stomach lining in the sink drain.
If you wake up and you feel as if a 7-foot, hairy version of Claude Akins is dancing on your chest, you've got the Saquatch. Forget about breathing my friend because you've just exchanged lungs with a 54-year-old waitress from Yuma who's single-handedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], your voice will automatically lower five registers -- so that you sound exactly like Susanne Pleshette. Then, as the Sasquatch works its way through your bronchial tubes you will begin to cough up a lung, and in some cases your body will turn completely inside out. North Pole Elves have their own version of this called Tinsel Lung.
As the name implies, you might as well Velcro yourself to the toilet, because this will be an extended stay. This nasty virus goes straight to your intestines and begins to propagate like rabbits on a triple dose of Viagra. The so-called "friendly" bacteria are wiped out turning your colon into a large section of PVC pipe. Depending on which version of "FITH" you get, the variations are labeled as followed. The Howizer. This should be self-explanatory. In fact,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], this is a flu best investigated by the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Hold on to the toilet seat or you will be rocketed into the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst features of both Howitzer and the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to this double whammy,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I would suggest a pair of asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. This is the worst. It's a five alarm fire and you're sitting on it. You feel as if a million Habaneropeppers are partying in your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this may be the major cause of Global Warming.
This may be among the most mysterious of all the flu bugs. It is gender specific. This flu attacks the kind of men who are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Men who get up a five AM, put on some natural hemp underwear and go out fishing with nothing more than a bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the brain and suddenly this man's whole life is the LifeTime Channel. This man will put on a comfy robe, sip chamomile tea and watch movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep all the way through it. This phase can last up to three days. If the man starts talking about a desire to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The Wack-a-Mole or Deja Flu
This strain of the flu begins with a case of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is a small investment in your cure. But then your throat begins to feel like coarse sandpaper and a dry cough begins to emerge. So,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], in go the lozenges and you've only spent a $1.99 and added to the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough turns into a nerve wracking hacking and finally into something resembling the mucous version of the movie Krakatoa, East of Java. Over night,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the sniffles are gone only to be replaced gymnastic stomach. This is when you begin binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word for it, this is not the time to take the family portrait. At this point, the aforementioned Fire in the Hole takes over. The wack-a-mole feature is that these symptoms can appear in any combination at any time. Even weeks later when you've got what I call deja flu.
I have about 49 more of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, but the Lifetime Channel is on and I think Tory Spelling is starring.
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